What If I Were Kathleen Sloan

TTTO “What If Your Girlfriend Was Gone” by Carla Ulbrich

With special apologies to Kathleen Sloan…

Based on “Kathleen, Catalogue Queen” and “Kathleen, Discipline Queen”

I was just wondering, hypothetically

What would I do, theoretically

If something would happen accidentally or medically

What if I were Kathleen Sloan?

If I ordered from catalogues a new light fixture

Or happened to get some new beads in a mixture

Would the cataologues find their way into the picture

If I could just get on the phone?

[Chorus]

Would I call them up

When they send me a letter?

Would they try to upsell me to something better?

Would they send me five more catalogues all bound up in leather?

What if I were Kathleen Sloan?

If I disappeared without a trace

Instead of me, t’would be Kathleen in my place

And I happened to be just wearing her face?

Not that I have any plans!

I’m not suggesting that just to tease ya

But what if I was suddenly struck with amnesia

And imagined myself to be Kathleen, would it please ya?

Do you really think I honestly can?

[Chorus]

Of course, as you know, I’d not give it a whirl

For I have to insist, it is out of this world

But I cannot help but wondering about

Her other side, when she’ll order and shout

If something should happen, hypothetically

What would I do, theoretically?

If should something should happen, accidentally or medically?

What if I were Kathleen Sloan?

[Chorus]

What I tie you up

Just to make me feel better

Would I make you think “I’d better not upset her”?

Would I make sure you were punished, if we would be together?

What if I were Kathleen Sloan?