What If I Were Kathleen Sloan

TTTO “What If Your Girlfriend Was Gone” by Carla Ulbrich
With special apologies to Kathleen Sloan…

Based on “Kathleen, Catalogue Queen” and “Kathleen, Discipline Queen”

I was just wondering, hypothetically
What would I do, theoretically
If something would happen accidentally or medically
What if I were Kathleen Sloan?

If I ordered from catalogues a new light fixture
Or happened to get some new beads in a mixture
Would the cataologues find their way into the picture
If I could just get on the phone?

Would I call them up
When they send me a letter?
Would they try to upsell me to something better?
Would they send me five more catalogues all bound up in leather?
What if I were Kathleen Sloan?

If I disappeared without a trace
Instead of me, t’would be Kathleen in my place
And I happened to be just wearing her face?
Not that I have any plans!

I’m not suggesting that just to tease ya
But what if I was suddenly struck with amnesia
And imagined myself to be Kathleen, would it please ya?
Do you really think I honestly can?


Of course, as you know, I’d not give it a whirl
For I have to insist, it is out of this world
But I cannot help but wondering about
Her other side, when she’ll order and shout

If something should happen, hypothetically
What would I do, theoretically?
If should something should happen, accidentally or medically?
What if I were Kathleen Sloan?

What I tie you up
Just to make me feel better
Would I make you think “I’d better not upset her”?
Would I make sure you were punished, if we would be together?
What if I were Kathleen Sloan?